I have to admit that I'm feeling a bit like I'm on an island all by myself at the moment. I know I'm not alone, but that's how emotional I got these last couple of days(still trying to find my way back to civilization). I have been told many times that I'm too hard on myself, and let me tell you I have heard those words in my mind a lot lately.
I had a little, wee, small break down this weekend; or I like to think of it as small(heehee). By break down I mean, a "fall down and cry to God" moment-a pity party, all for me. Sounds sad doesn't it??? It was brought on by physical and spiritual exhaustion and great physical pain. I think the pain mostly brought on my emotional state, I usually don't get so weepy.
But this pain brought on all sorts of emotions, but the biggest one was failure. I had a moment where I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, at least faithfully speaking. I'm sure the enemy was having great fun at my weakness and trying to show me how much easier life would be if I didn't have such a great desire to do God's will in my life.
I have felt great guilt over my little, wee, small break down; feeling like one of those moron Israelites who was given everything they needed from God but yet they cried and complained in spite of it all. I CAN say that after my little, wee, small break down my heart did turn to praise and thankfulness for all God has done and that is where I have tried to keep my heart ever since. (thanks for writing that comment Sheila, it was fresh in my mind)
I know I'm too hard on myself, but I don't know how to stop. My desire to bring glory to my King is strong; maybe too strong though, in the fact that I think I need to be perfect.
I used to have an expectant faith in a certain area of my life, but I have had to admit to myself that I have lost some of that faith in the last 5 months or so. I am trying to gain that back. I have gotten so tired that I started feeling like God doesn't care about this area in my life anymore. I have lots of "whys" in my heart and they are covering up that excited, hopeful attitude of what God's plan in my life is.
I have a dear friend that is a night owl-you know who you are. I emailed her yesterday mentioning my attitude of failure and not worthy of God's love and grace. Well, this morning when I got up the first time(with my son, then I go back to bed); my first thought was "ok God, it's been two days, how am I going to crawl out of this pit I am in?". I opened my emails and my dear friend had written me late in the night and God had a gift waiting for me when I woke up. She gave me such a cool comparison that has helped pick me up so much. She said to look at my relationship with my son. If I saw him try really hard at something and he kept failing, wouldn't my heart go out to him-not shun him? Wouldn't I want him to share his feelings with me, and his sincere desire to get it right? I know God knows my heart, and my sincere desire to learn whatever "class" I am in right now on my journey. I just wouldn't want to see my "report card" right now. (heehee)
To go along with God wanting to hear about my feelings, another friend reminded me of "cast your burdens on me and I will give you rest". On Saturday, during my little, wee, small break down I wanted REST. But I want the best kind of rest there is, and maybe my little, wee, small break down was ok in a way because I am finding encouragement and seeing things in my life that maybe I needed a fresh persepective on.
I feel like I'm sort of rambling here, but felt like I should write. I don't know if some little thing will speak to you, maybe just the fact that I'm just as crazy as you always thought I was. Just kidding. I'm sure we all deal with those moments where we try too hard to be perfect and it eventually just gets to us.
Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."
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