The Average Jane Journal #37 - Battle Against My Joy

THe Average Jane Journal #37
Monday, March 2, 2009

Wow, what a couple of days I have had-they have been hard, but at this moment I am thankful for those moments.

I have been brinking on total "shut down" and I finally aknowledged that yesterday. I emailed a dear friend and spilled my heart, things I had been trying not to tell God. Why did I think I was hiding anything from God? After sending the email, and rereading it I realized that was the most honest I have been in a long time. So I copied the email and put it in my personal journal and asked God to just take it. Take all the ugly stuff I was trying to hide from Him, and help me start healing. Before I wrote the email, I wrote one statement in my personal journal. I feel like I am crumbling and I do not know what to pray for. Well, God has definitely shown me how to pray now.

My big secret that I have been trying to hide from God? I am not happy!! I dance around that fact every day, having my ups and downs. But you know what, I just had to admit it. I do not like my circumstances right now. I don't know why that was so hard for me to admit, I'm know people all over the world feel that way. But I have been so afraid of disrespecting God and dealing with my fears of failing God.

After writing the email on Sunday, and going through half a box of tissues I might add; I went back to reading my book-"Walking with God" by John Eldredge. (he has become my fav author at this moment-I want to read anything he has written.) Well, the very next chapter that I was on in that book was written about me!!! Or at least it felt that way. He talked about how someone came to him and told him "your battle in life is against your joy". When I read that statement, I knew it was meant for me to read at that very moment.

In the midst of my email to my friend, I told her how ever since I have been trying to acknowledge that I have opposition in this world, that it seems like the enemy has "upped the anty". Well, duh!!! What did I think was going to happen? That he would run off just because I knew he was there?

"...you'll soon discover that if you want life and joy, if you are moving into deeper intimacy with God, you are going to attract attention. The enemy will not like it." (quote from book)
I felt like I was the "starring show" at the enemy's dinner/movie night.

One of the things that my joy was being taken from, was this blog. I kept hearing in my head things like "how can you be encouraging to other people when you are so up and down? You write about one thing one day, and how you are finding strength, but then the next day you fall flat on your face. How can you ever be helpful to other people by sharing your heart?" But I have had to remember that I am being obedient to God in starting this journal, and I am only human-I will fall on my face. Those could be just the journals that will touch someone the most. So I'm continuing the fight in my joy being attacked in this area.

I am afresh today, and feel strengthened. I feel like I have a "name" to my attack-the enemy wants my joy. This is an area where I know it would be easy to cripple me. When I get down deep enough, I will stay there by choice-anger, sadness, depression, rejection can become my friend. That's just my personality and I know that about myself. I have been trying to figure out how to be "joyful in the Lord" in all circumstances-I just couldnt' figure out how people do that. But I wanted to. I still have the desire to do God's will and bring Him glory in my life. And as long as I still have that desire, no matter how small I might feel it somedays-I want to fight!!!

So back to my personal journal yesterday and just simply telling God that I do not know what to pray for-He has shown me now. Through this book I'm reading I am being reminded of how the Bible warns us of opposition-but for some reason we want to ignore it. When we have trouble in our lives we want to assume that either (1) we blew it or (2) God is holding out on us. Why do we forget about the opposition? When I feel the attack on my life I can command that assault to leave me in the power of Jesus' name. How cool is that power!!! If you're not sure what satan is using to attack you with, but you just know you are being attacked-ask Jesus what you need to pray against. Despair? Doubt? Subtle lies? Distraction?

While emailing with another friend, she told me that the quote I used in the last journal entry did not sit well with her. It made me realize that I saw it differently than her, and maybe from you also. She told me the quote made things feel too "real" for her. In a way I applaud that, so maybe our eyes will be open to the fact that opposition is real. But when I discovered the quote and fell in love with it, it made me feel hopeful. It made me feel superior to satan, knowing that I could make him fearful. Sort of like a challenge!!! So hopefully you can look back over the quote in a different way-be challenged to make satan fear what you can be!!!!