The Average Jane Journal #69 - I Am Sick of Me

Have you ever gotten sick of yourself?

A few nights ago I was lying in bed starting to go to sleep. I don't know about you but this is when I reevaluate my day, and mostly meditate on how jacked up I am because of my failures that day.

Well on this particular night I found myself saying "i am sick of me". Pretty much every night it's the same issues/failures, and I finally had had enough. Of course in my jacked up, critical mind, that just started making me feel worse about myself. It was so overwhelming to think about all the changes needed to get out of the same rut I've been in forever.

But then I had a good thought, a great thought. My Father never gets sick of me!! Yes He will need to discipline me, give me a little kick sometimes, show me my errors; but He never stops loving me. I imagine it hurting Him to see me hurting like that, I imagine a big hug and sitting in His lap for some healing time. It hurts our Father to see what we let sin do to us, not only because we are choosing sins over Him but also because we are hurting ourselves. His love for me doesn't want to see me bashing myself all the time. Sure God can use it when we are reviewing our lives and wanting to change, but I was past that. I was letting the enemy in and sinking into my failures instead of trying to get above them.

I haven't totally gotten over this "place", but God is using those 5 words to remind me of His love and not what the enemy intended those words for.

The Average Jane Journal #68 - Inner Beauty

I have a confession to make: I have been a little stressed over outward appearance lately. I have noticed the last few weeks that I have been worried about my hair, using make up, what clothes to wear,etc. This comes from a good thing in my life, but I have let the worry of outward appearance scar this good thing in my life. Let me explain: I have had to take pictures for a book cover and new ministry project that I have become involved with. As I love the ministry and what it might become in my life someday, I have worried about these pictures more then is usual for me. I guess the thought of having your picture forever on a book cover would be normal for any woman to want to look her best; which is not wrong. But for me I can tell I am letting it bother me more then it should. I have always had a "laid back" and "like me for me" type of attitude. But then again, I have never had to think about public figure pictures before. :)

So tonight as I turned to one of the studies I'm doing called "Lies Women Believe", wouldn't you know it was on the subject of Lasting Beauty. That was the confirmation I needed showing me this is something that is not right in my life right now. Yes it is just a simple picture, but I am allowing myself to turn it into worry. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to look our best, and all women are going to want to spruce up for a special picture. But the problem is how much time and worry I am devoting to it; it is just not my normal behavior. I have never been a "girlie girl", not that that is wrong, but for me it is out of character and that is how I know I'm not having a healthy attitude right now towards my outward appearance.

Tonight I was shown a verse that I have read many times but with a different eye. "when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it." Genesis 3:6

Not only did Satan appeal to her desire for wisdom but also got her to value physical appearance. So our culture's fixation with physical beauty goes all the way back to Eve and the first temptation. It wasn't wrong to think the fruit was beautiful, it was the priority she placed on the appearance that helped lead her into sin. I just thought that was a cool "eye opener" that maybe God was just using on me tonight.

The lies that Satan uses on us regarding outward beauty can make us desire outward beauty over inner beauty. "comparison, envy, competitiveness, promiscuity, sexual addictions, eating disorders, immodest dress, flirtatious behavior-the list of attitudes and behaviors rooted in a false view of beauty is long. What can set women free from this bondage? Only the Truth can overcome the lies we have believed. God's Word tells us the Truth about the transitory nature of physical beauty and the importance of pursuing lasting, inner beauty:"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 (quote by Nancy Leigh DeMoss)

So again there is nothing wrong with outward beauty, and desiring to look your best, it is giving excessive attention to outward beauty that can cause us to stumble. If we put desire for outward beauty over inner beauty, that is where we cross the line. I need to start concentrating more on "prettying up" my heart. So after tonight's lesson I'm asking myself where is my concern for "gentle and quiet spirit" (1 peter 3:3-5), "fear of the Lord" (proverbs 31:30), "good deeds, worship God" (1 Timothy 2:9-10), etc?

The Truth is that God looks for my inner beauty..."Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7)So as I'm taking my next picture I'm hoping to think about how God sees my growing inner beauty and not worry about what others will think about my outward appearance; and focus on the ministry itself that we are taking the pictures for and all those women we hope to help someday soon.

Think I can talk the ministry into just letting me use a picture of that beautiful fruit that God created in place of my picture? :)